There have been so many things happening inside me. I’ve been writing most of them down every day but I haven't had the right words to share them. My Instagram captions are not as thoughtful as usual. This website has been a digital ghost town. The season I am in is unique from other seasons that I have identified in my life. Typically, everything is really wonderful and I am soaring OR everything sucks and I am in full on crisis mode. This season is a really even mix of both. I am not in shambles but I am not thriving. I am not balanced either.
I’ve been thinking a lot about Arrival Moments lately. I don’t think we live life with an end goal of who we are to become. There is no final destination to our purpose or anything. But I believe that there are moments in life where you feel like you’ve made it. Like you’re all there. All set. The moments often come alongside a good and deep revelation for me. They come after a longwinded pursuit of growth. They are accompanied by huge amount of relief and it feels like nothing can separate you from this feeling of being “there”. They happen with the true awareness that this is not the final stop—this is just a big building block for everything to come.
The idea that growth builds upon growth has been something I have pondered a lot this year. In a book on purpose and calling by Parker Palmer, he inserts a poem that includes these lines: Whatever’s been uprooted, let it be / Seedbed for the growing that’s to come. These words have stuck with me like scripture as I have learned well that being present in seasons of growth is crucial in order to welcome in the next patch of growth required in the process of becoming. Growth never ceases to build upon growth, and I like to notice the Arrival Moments that kind of bookmark each patch of growth.
Arrival Moments are less “arriving at your destination” than they are a check point. Moments that make me feel like I have arrived are so temporary. It is good to get swept away in them for a second. The boost of confidence is empowering. But it is easy to be shaken quickly afterwards if you hold the moment as too definitive for you. Arrival Moments come after periods of uprooting and are sort of like a fresh seedbed.
Back to this season. I am really unsatisfied with the personal narrative that I speak to myself. I am a creative, lighthearted, energetic individual most days. But my deep, internal life is not as healthy as I desire for it to be. There are so many mindsets and thinking habits that need to be uprooted in me. There are pains carried from my past that need to be processed further. I know who I want to become. There is an image in my mind of who I will be when I have detached myself from negative self talk and live as the independent and confident woman that I know I am capable of becoming.
I've recently realized that I would not have been able to understand these needs for growth and maturity if I had not gone through the growing pains I went through this past winter and spring. That season was painful and my whole world was upside down for weeks. But I have joy looking back on it because of how refining it was for me. The discomfort of the start of that season is similar to what I am experiencing now. Last time, I dreaded it all. I was terrified of who I would become through it. What is different this time is that I am also thrilled at how I will grow. I am no longer fearful of the growing pains, but I welcome them and the healthier version of myself that they will develop.
When I began the previous period of growth, I knew that the end "goal" was to make choices because I was worth it. Worth the effort, worth the good grade, worth the love. I knew that I would be better at the whole self-love/appreciating self-worth thing when I cared for myself better than Noah cares for me. And so the Arrival Moment of that season was when I consistently started making choices because I want them for myself because I am worthy of that goodness.
I don't know what the next Arrival Moment is going to look like and I'm not saying I need to get there in order to do all of the things I have been called to do. We can live out our callings at every stage of becoming. I don’t think that things will be easier or smoother the second I unlock this level of self-assurance and respect. But I am so aware that there is more in store for me and who I have been created to be. I am praying for peace in just knowing I am on my way there.
I started seeing a new therapist this week. Both of us are really optimistic that counseling is really necessary for this season. At the end of our session, she looked me in the eye and said with utmost sincerity that she believes that the best is ahead. And I believe it too. I believe there is more goodness ahead for all of us--Arrival Moments, in-betweens, and everything.